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star_laughter

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[28 Dec 2006|03:39am]

But why is the star_laughter gone?

Which movie was this quote from?

Get your own quotes:
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[22 Dec 2006|12:57am]
"Hummingbird"-Wilco

His goal in life was to be an echo
Riding alone, town after town, toll after toll
A fixed bayonet through the great southwest to forget her

She appears in his dreams
But in his car and in his arms
A dream can mean anything
A cheap sunset on a television set can upset her
But he never could

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

His goal in life was to be an echo
The type of sound that floats around and then back down
Like a feather
But in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
No one could hear him
Or anything

So he slept on a mountain
In a sleeping bag underneath the stars
He would lie awake and count them
And the gray fountain spray of the great Milky Way
Would never let him
Die alone

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

A hummingbird
A hummingbird
2 comments|post comment

[01 Dec 2006|03:52am]
So the thing is my last two entries were like...this really lame code, right, and nobody caught on, but i had a lot of fun creating it anyway. it was pretty much like...a way to find my new LJ, the 'secret' one i created. and we all know i don't keep secrets, it was a nice idea though. anyway, my new LJ is friends only still, but if anyone wants to add me go ahead. my new LJ name is 'missingiris'. i really don't have internet access much these days anyway, but you're all welcome to add me if you like. i don't think i'll be posting in this one for a while. if at all.

anyway, i'm doing ok. for those of you who didn't know, i up and went to Calgary. it took some adjusting, and while i don't intend to live here it isn't so bad. I'm working at a telemarketing center selling timeshares and stuff...making like...minimum wage...like...$10 an hour. it's nice. it's not all that great, but it is interesting and extremely laid back. i like one of my managers, the other one is a bit of a douche, but the nice one, her name is Zakiya and she's absolutely fine with me taking 3 weeks off for christmas and coming back when/if i feel like it. life's ok like that right now, i'm not tied down to anything, i'm more free in a lot of aspects than i've ever been in my life. i'm really bloody poor though...i owe all my paychecques to my credit card. ha. which is a down side, but it isn't hurting me much. i bought a new coat a while back, and that satisfied my shopping urges. i'm scraping by ok for now, and it suits me fine.

made a few friends here and there, some of them i actually like. i don't hang out with the people i work with either, so i feel a well rounded sense of privacy at the same time as having a bit of diversity in my social routine. i got myself involved in Food Not Bombs. i've been to a couple of nice parties. every now and then i get out into the city, but for the most part i'm just having fun sitting around on my ass watching cable tv.

the cat's doing ok too.

so anyway, my short term plans for the future are to go home for christmas, back to Nova Scotia to spend time with my family. at first i was only going because i felt pressured into it, and guilt for neglecting them. but christmas is getting nearer and i miss them. so i guess i'll be home for a few weeks, i haven't bought my return ticket yet, so we'll see about how long i stay. i might get the chance to swing by a few people's places out in halifax, i might not. it would be nice though, i miss the hell out of all you guys.

after that, i'm going to apply to a few different schools. calgary, vancouver, maybe halifax too. don't know what i'm taking yet, but i refuse to go another year without. besides, i need new glasses and a wisdom tooth extraction and i need the coverage. but anyway, no real firm plans set after that. maybe moving to vancouver in the spring, maybe not.

anyway, i'm very sorry everyone for not being around. i truly have no idea what's going on in any of your lives, not having internet access and all. i do welcome you to add my other LJ (missingiris) to your LJ's, i don't think i'll be online much, but i will certainly try.

but if any of you would like to write me a letter i'd be more than delighted to exchange snail mail. i'll leave my address here and if anyone wants to write/stalk me, it's cool with me.

60 Hamlet Rd SW, # 123
Calgary, AB
T2V 3C8

(3 hours earlier than N.S.) (403) 207-9727


and if i never return to this silly little blog, merry christmas!
7 comments|post comment

star laughter, i've grown weary of you. [08 Oct 2006|11:01pm]
my journal, in a nut shell.


halifax, Love, 985 beaufort, mrs. kim, moulin rouge, made in canada, onion sandwiches, angela's ashes, siobhan, king's , university, oxford street, royal tenenbaums drinking game, nick drake, amelie, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, sticky tac, laundromats, burnt popcorn, nylon wings, ardene's, wigs, my own computer, scanning, art, sims, emily, porn, ares gay chat, warez, number 10 bus, stacy, green, blue, Citadel, david, boyfriend, bus stop, kiss, cuddling, quinpool superstore, letters, jody, rosalind, waverly, doug, allen, tasha, Produce codes, lime, dragon fruit, conveyer belt, hair, quinpoole towers, elevator, 5th floor, 519, bangledesh, roommates, contact lenses, rocky horror picture show, the coast, savage love, the mountain goats, joanna newsom, devendra banhart, jeff, chickmunk, willow trees, 'shoppers', shampoo, Madonna, brittney spears and christina aguilera, sukie, feline leukemia, sukabitch, cunt, annoying cat, in heat, journals, livejournal, photobucket, food not bombs, canada day, waterfront, busker festival, the wave, hawksely workman, guitar, Kalvin, moby, U-2, bathtub, lightbulbs, guache paint, the coburg coffee house, autumn, thanksgiving, best friends day, Halloween, yorick, reflections, sex, tania, tablet, staples, new apartment, 5577 cogswell, my muse girl, video difference, diegos, cold, winter, lover, passion, snow, winter space boots, ravioli, clementines, Knitting scarves, marijuana, drumset, christmas, lights, cold, downstairs neighbours, breezy, spring, rassy's pizza, food, vim, kenny chair, i heart huckabees, tegan and sara, i love you more than everything in the sky, fleas, flea couch, cecil seaside, feathers, valentine's day, yellow rose, sweetheart, drawing, little prince, Udderly divine ice cream, two spoons, spooning, lightening, white walls, Happy, checkered shirts, blue checkered shirt, romanza, lullaby, space monkey pops, flat pop, black cherry, red carton milk, the black market, hpv, mary poppins, dawn of the dead, zombies, Zoolander, kill bill, infp, istj, infj, blue/purple hair, propeller beer, alchohol, rum and coke, grenadine, amaretto, masturbation, sex on the beach, flying a kite, creg, guylaine, israel, toko, african drumming store, incense, anger, depression, rent, jen, pretty hair, escalator, buck and near, cartoons, thumbtacks, pennies, Bobbypins, blue blanket, subway, sandwiches, tim hortons, thomas, christie anne edward, cate, jen, holy george clooney, my cousin Vinny, type O negative, chris cornell, olives, dan bern, ice cream cookies, ferry to dartmouth, maritime museum of the Atlantic, phantom of the opera, anniversary, portrait, tanner, sherry, paul, heather, sue, peggy, nigel, emma, waterslides, i like to move it move it, madagascar soundtrack, "acorn", green gloves, razor blades, recycling, how am i not myself?, bonnet, perks', chessboard, red, mitch, bong, yahtee, 'sexy eh? give us a kiss', knee high socks, stress, little Vacation time, stress leave, munchies, sexy mirror, the Discovery center, pumpkin carving,ghost walk, hooker boots, roses, bra shopping, map of the world, the decemberists, kisses, cheesecake, Angela, blue and memphis, fluffy guy, spaz, black pen, black people, gottingen, Obsessed with 'lost', sayed, jack lost, lock, sawyer, hurley, 4 8 15 16 23 42, lottery, cigars, cigarettes, storm windows, snow storms, ice, sidewalks, hulk hogan, glen, amara, mitchel, amy, gina, cambro, rum fruizle, rum eggnog ice cap, Almon street, hockey stick, bailey, dressed in time, winter coat, christmas parties, Uprising at subway, mom, bonny, heidi, polly, leo, dad, quebec, dominique, cooper, sebastian, cousins, snowmen, hockey, party, family, big bird donna, digital camera, zabrina, kelly, tabitha, school porn discussion, garden state, shower curtain, christine deverlaine, dalhousie lectures, museum of natural history, Living room tent, earrings, gus' pub, the dome, the palace, birthday, mother tuckers, breakup, Lonely, treeful of starling, posters, staple gun, Audioscrobbler, decemberists, jamaican shower, quit work, weed, good, evil, want, need, panic attack, Unstable, brad, marry me, Lovesick, hawksley workman, the one world cafe, key cutting, dream interpretation, Coyote, pineapple can, engaged, hummingbird, silver ring, april fools, the Legion, manic, psychic, revelations, end of the world, oil crisis, insanity, god, snap, hospital, adsum house, anxiety, psychosis, seroquel, fear, goodbye halifax party, matching tattoos, decisions, goodbye siobhan, packing, blur, crying, the bible, Zealous, new apartment, acricola street, superstore, routine, borderline, Yelling, blood, suicide, day treatment, the program, angie, badminton, ted, todd, jazz fest, lunar moth, my bike, creg, lost city of atlantis, swimming, snorkel, shower, charleston chew, bbqs, woodstick, charlie, karen, squirrel, candles, home, canadian tire mastercard, Legend of 1900, small bed, insecure, jean shopping, frenchy's, the great gatsby, old boy, porn, webcam, coward, cardboard boxes, packing, temper, "no you don't", cape breton, jellyfish, waves, sunburn, hurt, I still love him, confused, heartbroken, masochistic, Venting, pub crawl, martini night, gay pride party, georgia, laura, moving out, taxi, clinton, corset, bracelet, rafael, ron, Adina, allana, tarot reading, penticton, grandparents, stellarton, family, sisters, leo, drive in movies, smallville, tabitha, tom, stanley, rocky, murtagh, drinking, dancing, Jada, holly, cory, sam's, the cabaret, acropole, dooley's, family photographs, genealogy, halifax weekend, wizard of oz, self portraits, Vanity, josh and wanda, ashley, ict, capital one, sajai, ralph jones, irving, october, haircut, thanksgiving, jeremy, dave, potheads, trenton, pool, rack and cue, calgary


find me.
4 comments|post comment

the key. [08 Oct 2006|09:04pm]
caesar cipher
3 comments|post comment

[08 Oct 2006|12:27pm]
"shoes upon the table
and a spiders been killed
someone broke the looking glass
there's a full moon shining
and the salt's been spilled
you're walking on the pavement cracks
never know what's going to come to pass
oh you know the devil's got your number
you know he's right behind you
you know he's gonna find you
he's staring through your windows
he's creeping down your hall."


yesterday was a draining horrible exhausting day. i could have done without yesterday.
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[06 Oct 2006|03:57pm]
totally frustrated with my life and my computer. i don't even want to think about it.

without my computer my life sort of stopped. i left the house...i walked down the street...i breathed fresh air and i saw children playing in the streets. i watched people interacting. it was fascinating. stellarton is kinda nice in the fall.

i wound up at the hairdressers. i was going to get it all cut off, like, chin length, but once again, the hairdresser convinced me my hair was too nice so i didn't. oh well, if i ever get the guts some other day i might.

she did cut it though, it's all sleek and hot. she dyed it a nice brown too. it's healthy and comfortable feeling. and shiny. and sexy.

i'd post a picture, but....i can't...because the camera software is on my computer.

oh well, it's going to be like this in calgary, i might as well get used to it.
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virtual STD [06 Oct 2006|02:14pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I think my computer is going to die.

it contracted a fatal virus yesterday on MSN, and sent the virus to every one of my friends who were online. most of them were smart enough not to click, but my friend creg got it. and i don't know how many of my other friends were affected.

my computer has no memory left, and i'm able to get it to start but after that i'm shit out of luck.

i tried most of last night and most of this morning to remove the viruses and i can't.


i am probably going to lose everything.

all my photographs are on there. that's what i'm scared to lose the most.

i'm on my sisters' computer now. i don't think there's much else i can do.



this really hasn't been my year.

7 comments|post comment

note to self: [03 Oct 2006|04:24pm]
i have exactly two weeks left now. and if i don't sit myself down and prepare for it, i won't be ready to leave and the 17th will hit me in the back of the head with a frying pan and i'll be all stunned and disoriented and confused like the last time i hopped a plane out west.

actually, i've been spending some time working on a different project...something i intend to unveil the day i leave. up until now i've been all in my head trying to prepare for the day i leave for the silliest of reasons.

but i am leaving in two weeks, and now i have to start focusing on that.

i need to make lists of things i need to do, people i need to see. i'm leaving work in a week. i still haven't decided if i'll be going down to halifax to say goodbye or not. i could always just PHONE the handful of people out there and say my goodbyes that way.

and there's still the people in town i should say goodbye to in the next couple of weeks. i still haven't seen jeff since i moved out here. or stacy. i promised melinda a coffee before i go. and i should say goodbye to emily and doug.

i have some real shopping to do before i go to...i keep thinking of things while i'm at work and i'm not allowed to make a list there, so i will add onto this one when i remember.

soft sided cat carrier
socks and underwear
housecoat
shoes
winter coat
a haircut
an electric razor
shampoo and conditioner
rubbermaid storage bins
external harddrive...(i'm leaving my computer behind...probably)


i really have to go through my stuff too, and put it in a safer storage or it will get killed by the basement. i have to unpack all my winter clothes, pack my summer clothes. dispose of some of that old junk of mine.

and will i be sending boxes ahead? i will need my winter boots...among other stuff.

i don't have enough money for all this.
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i sold 7 cards today. [03 Oct 2006|12:19am]
"may i ask why you're not interested in a capital one mastercard today sir?"

"i don't know...how about we discuss it over lunch sometime..."
4 comments|post comment

[01 Oct 2006|09:48pm]
today was cold.

my sisters got their hands on the first season of smallville, so it's been on pretty much all day.

i had a donair for supper and now i think i'm going to die.

my mom and i got into an enormous fight the other day. i made her cry. it was a long overdue feud and she said a lot of things and i said a lot of things.

for the most part she seems really upset that i'm leaving. she went on and on about how i left home as soon as i could and moved away to bc, came home for a bit, and ran off to halifax as soon as i could. now i've been home a month and i'm running away to calgary. she said she feels like i don't want to be a part of this family.

she's right. in a way. sometimes i think what sucks most of all is that i will never be able to get away from my family. i'm not ashamed of them, i just don't want to be a part of them sometimes. i don't feel like i belong there.

these days i feel like i have impaired memory. amnesia even. every now and then i remember things and they come as a suprise to me. sometimes it feels like my life only pertains to the last two years of my life and everything else feels like a blur. i look at pictures of myself as a kid and i don't recognize it. i don't remember what could have been going through my head at the time. and even when i do remember, she's a stranger to me. i'm sure if she saw me i'd terrify her.

i was in zellars the other day and i wound up in the toy section. it was quite the expreience. i felt like royal tenenbaum in the games closet saying "i haven't been in here in years!". If you're feeling like you need a flood of memories hitting you all at once i advise you stand in a toy section at a department store. it brings your childhood back.

i folded a paper bird at work and it also made me remember. i fold a lot of them. we're not allowed to do anything at our desks except handheld games, not even doodle with a pen. no pens allowed. so when i get my hands on paper i fold paper birds. it struck me suddenly while i was at work how i used to love origami as a kid. how i used to sit on my bedroom floor with a stack of coloured tissue squares that came with a book folding creature after creature.

this guy at work keeps me going. his name is ralph jones. i wouldn't be able to make it through my shifts if it wasn't for him. he makes me laugh. he's always pulling everyone's leg and telling the most ridiculous jokes. he lives in Westville. I told him my friends and i used to call it 'wuffle' because we knew people from westville who pronounced it as such. he said lots of westvillites pronounce it 'wuffle' and his friends call him 'weffle walphie'. he's in his 50's and he's the nicest guy ever. he's kind of hobbity. he asked me what i do on the internet and i told him mostly livejournal. he asked what that was and i explained and he was fascinated, and told me to mention him in here, so i am. he's very much a father/uncle figure. he's always telling me that i can't end up in a call center because i'm too smart for that. the other day he said 'it was a sad day in westville today, did you hear? they closed down the public library.' i said, 'oh really? that's too bad' and he said 'yeah, someone stole the book.' i promised him i'd send him a postcard from calgary, he told me he'd try to send one from westville, although he doesn't think they make them, but if he can't find one he'll take a picture of a hole in the ground since that's what it looks like from above anyway.

i don't think he realizes that most towns and cities look like a hole in the ground from above.
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[28 Sep 2006|01:53am]
maybe buying a ticket to calgary was a rash decision. maybe stellarton was just beginning to unfold for me. i mean, i have friends who asked me out this saturday and i can't go because i can't spend the money, my FIRST paycheque...i need it for alberta. my mom is really upset that i am leaving so soon, she really hoped i'd stay for a while and spend time with the family. we got in a big fight about it today and i started crying. and i didn't even give my new job a chance, i've been working too hard there and i haven't talked to my neighbors. i haven't made any friends. i go to work thinking about making money, not friends, because for some reason i've become this person who thinks money = power and freedom. then i go home and cry because i'm so fucking lonely these days, and convince myself that all my problems will be over soon, because, oh, i'm going to calgary...

it doesn't even make any sense.

how am i supposed to find myself in that stupid fucking city? some strange new unfamiliar place. i'm more bound to lose myself, like i did in the last city. it's a cute idea i'm going to make friends out there, but i don't even know how.

and all because some little intuitive voice in my head says 'go to Calgary! there's something there!'

why the fuck am i listening to that garbage my mind spits at me? where has that ever gotten me? i don't fucking trust my intuition anymore. i don't believe in it anymore. it's bullshit. all these crappy little 'strong feelings' that pop into my head...as if i'm still somehow connected to something larger i don't understand...as if fate and god have plans for me...as if bravely strolling into the unknown is going to treat me to a dose of unexpected miracles. well, fuck that.

i used to be a bitter person because i thought that the more i believed things wouldn't happen, the happier i'd be when they did happen. and the more it went on, the more my world wrapped itself into this big bitter package where things COULDN'T happen. because i made it that way.

so whine whine whine.

i'm going to calgary anyway, because i'm stubborn, and i already bought the ticket, and i desperately want to get away from the family that loves me and live a life somewhere where nobody i knows can see and leave my computer behind so i can't post entries. essentially i'm trying to disappear. i'm going missing. like a 6 year old who 'runs away from home' and hides in a fort down the street for a few hours until they get hungry and bored and come home to find out their family didn't even notice or care because they thought they were outside playing.

it's pathetic really. but it's partly true. it's not the whole truth. but partly.
7 comments|post comment

[26 Sep 2006|11:39am]
[ mood | enraged ]

so i hop on my computer this morning, thinking i'd like to listen to a little dar williams, so i go into my music shared folder and...oh...my music isn't there! there's a couple of movies, and family guy episodes...but all my music? gone. and in its place? about 2 GB of eminem, disney techno, lil Bow wow, Nsync, sean desmond, various other pop gabage, and a whole shitload of really bad porn. like...angelina jolie. and we ALL know angelina really isn't my thing.

and all MY music, two months worth of MY music...is gone. and not only that, all my downloads on limewire have been cancelled and my history cleared.

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT????? i'll tell you who the fuck did it. these two little shits that are living here currently. these two lazy little 16 year old fuckers, one of whom claims she's been pregnant for oh god...12 months? and her lazy ass boyfriend. although i'm thinking the lame lies mostly on the lazy ass boyfriend. their names are Wanda and Josh. Bonny used to be friends with Wanda until she turned into a little bitch, but then my mom found out she was 'pregnant' and had nowhere to live, so my mom took pity on them and told them they could stay in our family room until Josh could find a job and an apartment, because that's what he said he was going to do. so they moved in a few months ago and sat around on their lazy asses and played games on a stolen xbox and used our computers and hogged the phone line until my mom asked them what their plans were, to which they replied they were going to live off welfare, and then my mom told them to find somewhere else to stay.

and then...oh, my mom went away to bc for a week and guess who shows up on our doorstep? they claimed they had nowhere to live because they got kicked out and they were searching for an apartment in Stellarton. So my dad (who can't say no) let them in. because it was only going to be for a day or two.

well for the last four fucking days they've been on MY computer playing ages of empires, sitting around on their asses and watching movies.

and now the little fuckers are DELETING my music and clogging up my computer with crappy porn.

i was simply going to put a password on my computer and leave a little note on my screen, but why the fuck should i be so kind? i'm fucking gathering up their shit and leaving it on the doorstep and locking the door. i'm taking over this bullshit situation and they are NOT coming back. they can go sleep in a trashbin for all the fuck i care. it's where they're going to end up one day anyway, they might as well get used to it. because lazy little punk bastards who fucking lie around and knock themselves up need to face the facts of life and stop burdening other people with their bullshit. GET A JOB YOU LAZY FUCKS!

and that, boys and girls, is why you NEVER delete chelsea's music.

12 comments|post comment

i gave myself some time to think it over and decided... [24 Sep 2006|11:45pm]
i did it.

i have a ticket for Calgary, i'm leaving Tuesday October 17th, 7:15am. Sukie and i are moving away!

my dad was fine with it, my sisters are disappointed, my aunt was very excited about it, and my mom wasn't so keen on it, but i told her i'd be back for christmas. and i will be. it'll be like...a two month holiday, if i like it i'll move back after the holiday, if not i'll make other arrangements for my life. who knows.

i feel like a robot getting my battery recharged. i've only been home a couple months...not even...and i'm on the run again. i feel more comfortable knowing that i'm going somewhere. 3 weeks and i'll be somewhere else. i won't be here. it's like i have a reason to make money now.

i guess i should put my two weeks in at my new job. ha. i guess i'll just work my ass off for the next couple of weeks and spend a few days with my sisters before i go. maybe give halifax one final goodbye, see all the friends i missed on my last trip.

and that's that.

Calgary, you pushy bastard, you've finally won. take me, i'm yours.
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[24 Sep 2006|12:00pm]
yeah, so yesterday i had this old lady answer the phone and she said bobby was home and she went to look for him and i swear she was calling him for at least four minutes. all i could hear was this old lady wndering around in the background calling 'bobby? bobby? bobby?' and then i realized she was senile and i was afraid bobby was dead. i should have hung up but i waited for her to come back to the phone. eventually she came back and said 'hello? was i talking to you a moment ago dear?" i said yes, and i tried to let her go but she said "i can't find bobby anywhere...i thought i saw him in the garden but now i can't see him anywhere, i'll go look for him again". Here i assured her that everything was fine and it wasn't important, i told her i'd call back another day and i told her not to worry about it and to go back to what she was doing.

i don't really like my job anymore. go figure. but i don't hate it either. the paycheque will be wonderful though. around $600. i want to buy a ticket out to calgary right away before i spend it, but i keep changing my mind about when i want to go, or if. i've said february, but i don't want to stay here that long.

i suppose i could alway leave right now. next week. only reason i was going to stay longer was to be home for christmas, and for my birthday...and for doug's birthday.

i could always come back for christmas. it's two months away, why wait? at least i could go to calgary and say i went....




aw man...i'm just looking at flights on westjet right now and there's a whole bunch of cheap flights around Oct 16....like...$230...my fingers are just twitching....i have a credit card...i could do it now....right now....damn my impulsiveness...someone be realistic for me and give me a practical reason not to...i can't think of a good reason not to.

i'm going to phone my aunt...
3 comments|post comment

[24 Sep 2006|12:40am]
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
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so far this week... [22 Sep 2006|02:47pm]
i've watched:

Pulp Fiction
Ella Enchanted
Cruel Intentions
Lara Croft - Tomb Raider
Trainspotting
an Kill Bill vol.2

with the exception of kill bill, i'd never seen any of them before. they were quite good, except for ella enchanted. horrible crap of a movie.

i've listened to hawksley workman's new album a few times.

i've worked 33 hours.

i've slept a lot.

i've eaten a little.

i've posted in my livejournal.

i've stared into space a lot, and watched the minute hand move on the clocks to make sure it aligns correctly with the lines marking the numbers. some do, some don't. some clocks are made better than others.


J E R U S A L E M - DAN BERN
9 comments|post comment

[21 Sep 2006|01:57pm]
i'm so lonely.

my house is always empty, no one is home when i am and they're all asleep when i return from work. i miss people.

it's almost soothing that my house is haunted, least all the creaking and thumping and shuffling i hear is in the daytime. it makes me feel less alone.
5 comments|post comment

my whole life looked like a picture of a sunny day. [20 Sep 2006|04:23pm]
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
16 years ago.
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[19 Sep 2006|12:06am]
[ mood | relieved ]

i'm happyCollapse )

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